Rethinking Narcissism
Contrary to popular believe we all have some level of narcissism.
Surprising huh?
You may even feel resistance to that statement.
Hopefully I have perked your interest…
narcissism on a scale
We can take a look at narcissism on a scale. With two opposing spectrums that span from rejecting feeling special in anyway in life all the way to the the main way of coping in life is to “feel special”.
Thats a broad range! In the middle of that continuum is a healthy level of narcissism that includes feeling special & feeling good about yourself along with feeling that other people are special too.
the not feeling good enough trap
Not feeling good enough shows up on the narcissism scale on the two far ends of the spectrum. The polarized ends of the scale are identified by either the need to seek out feeling special to self soothe or the need to avoid feeling special in anyway to self soothe. These polarized adaptive responses to feeling not good enough can show up in these two very different ways even in the same family.
Its not uncommon for two kids who grow up in the same family that both experienced some sort of ongoing hardship(like neglect, extreme poverty, abuse, or addiction) for one child may deal with these traumatic feelings by needing to be in the spotlight all the time, to be boastful, grandiose, to soothe feelings of inadequacy with feelings & thoughts of being extra special. That would be on the narcissistic tendencies side of the scale. This is what most of us think of when we think of narcissism. If that child continues to move higher up the scale & enter the extreme level they can experiencing narcissistic personality disorder. A sign this has happened is if the need to feel special blinds them to how their behaviors, choices, & actions affect others. If this is happening, the need to feel special, as the way to self soothe deep wounds has unconsciously taken over. This individual may develop a strong internal & external system of denial that supports the addiction & all encompassing need to feel special at any cost.
The second child who grew up in the same environment may have learned to survive by hiding. Playing small, hoping not to be noticed, & self soothing by becoming invisible as much as possible. As an adult this might show up as feeling very uncomfortable when the spot light is on them, as a deep discomfort receiving compliments, or trouble asking for & accepting help. These adults may suddenly go into a depression or shut down when things get tough. They might contract in their body at the thought of someone doing something nice for them or at the thought of being recognized publicly for their accomplishments. Growing up any of these things that pu them in the pot light made them vulnerable to abuse or neglect. This person is at the opposite side of the narcissism scale, where they self soothe in life by trying to not feel special or wanting to not feel special at all.
young ego parts doing their best to cope & to soothe us
Even if we were raised in a secure family environment without chronic challenges, we all have parts inside that are immature, that seek attention or avoid it, that act out or hide. I affectionately call these parts “baby narcissist parts”. It’s the parts of us that occasionally when we are triggered act out & contribute to conflict in unhelpful ways by making conflict worse or making demands for attention. When these parts show up our own behavior can surprise us!
These reactions form “narcissistic baby parts” show up more often in times of high stress. When needing a way to cope but feeling overwhelmed. That is because these parts are stuck at young age & when we get triggered as adults, we can revert subconsciously to what worked best at the earliest age. These “narcissistic baby parts” main goal is to try to help us, protect us, or soothe us. But imagine a 5 year old trying to resolve an adult problem! You then get a clear picture of how these young baby narcissistic parts might show up & if they run the show…there can be some damaging consequences.
what can I do?
Here are 3 effective tips for healthy narcissism & to help out “narcissistic baby parts”
Lean into with curiosity where you are on the narcissism scale. This gives you information about yourself so from there you have choice. If you need additional support working with a coach here at Lotus Heart Mind Body can help you identify & heal the past & build a future created with solid self esteem & healthy self love. If coaching isn’t a fit for you there is a great book called “Rethinking Narcissism” by Craig Malkin.
Get to know your “baby narcissistic parts” without judging them & offering them a consistent form of self compassion.These young parts, they mean well. Building a relationship over time with them can help them heal old wounds & provide other options for healthy coping skills when triggered.
Developing self compassion for your story, for where you are in life, & how your body responds to stress. Self compassion over time can uncover the truth that you truly are special & with the healing of old wounds it can feel safe to allow in the love & appreciation of our loved ones & offer them the same in relationship.
To learn more about coaching together & for more help in exploring narcissism further I invite you to schedule a free consultation HERE.
“At the heart of healthy narcissism is the capacity to love & be loved on a grand scale. “
- Craig Malkin
